So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Randomize
