my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
