I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
