The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
