i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
