I only kidnapped one of them. chill
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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