I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
