my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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