Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
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