this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
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