so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
