A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
