I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I don't want my vagina anymore.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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