There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
