smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
