not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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