I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
