a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
