my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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