can we get nightvision for the apartment?
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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