after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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