listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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