I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Randomize
