I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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