So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Randomize
