there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
