he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
