There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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