kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
