I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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