If i come over, it means nothing
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Randomize
