Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
