You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
The beer is more important than you right now.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
