Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
