We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
