just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
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