can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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