he puts the penis in happiness.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
