dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
she looked like the before picture.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
