i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
