I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
