he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
