...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
