I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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