fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you traded sex for a burrito?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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