I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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