I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
