every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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