I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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