I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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